Divorce Recovery Question
Question:
I’ve never seen a FAQ for this group — is there one? Please add to this list — maybe we can turn it into a resource list (faq) for the group ——- Titles (books,web pages, movies, tv) — reviews — I will make a home for it at http://comp.uark.edu/~wborsodi/ (it is not there yet — soon). Culled from various posts — thanks all: Resource List — 7/3/98 Recommended Reading & reviews.: "Letting Go" by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot "Rebuilding" by Bruce Fisher "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma. The peace this book gave me is beyond words. It takes a different perspective – that the realities of life are very different than they used to be, but our perspectives on "forever love" have not changed along with our lives. She is not judgmental at all about it, but explains this is why a long-term marriage seems to be so much more elusive nowadays. The back of the book has a series of exercises for coming to closure and terms with your marriage. They are very effective. "The Myth of the Greener Grass". I didn’t like it, as I felt it put too much responsibility on the partner who did not have an affair. It actually made me feel worse. "Nice Women Get Divorced". It was OK but dealt more with practicalities than feelings. Also read some books on grief and loss which were helpful. "How to Survive the Loss of a Love", a very easy to read user-friendly book about grieving and the process you’ll go through. "(2) is one of my more favorites…(Bloomfield, Colgrove & McWilliams)….tells you what to expect, and gives some very sage advice…." "Crazy Time — Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life" by Abigail Trafford. It had a lot of personal stories in it. I didn’t find it all that helpful, but others have. "(2) really hits home. I found it extremely helpful. "Divorce Hangover" by Anne Walther. It is for people that cannot let go of the divorce. It has a lot of "workbook exercises" in it to process feelings. "My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced" by Dr. Lois Nightingale. It is a terrific book for children whose parents are getting a divorce. The book describes how four children cope with the divorce of their parents. It is put together in a coloring book, workbook, storytelling format and gives children a way to relate how they feel so parents can help them. "Hey…What About Me!" by Bonnie Doss is another children’s book that is simple, yet very effective at opening the door to communication between a young child and divorcing parents. It gives children an opportunity to express their pain, sadness and fear in a way that helps the adults in their life help them. "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. For defining a direction to get out of an ambivalent relationship. This book is very different and I suggest everyone read it. It really helps you focus on the reasons why you are in a relationship with someone, especially helps decide whether to stay or get out. Is one you will not put down because it has a totally different perspective than any self-help books I have ever seen. "The 4 Gifts of Love" by Willard Harley. For those that want to start over with the same person or have a new relationship…This book sets up parameters that help you avoid some of the traps we run into nowadays in this complicated society, and states the principles that will keep couples together if they are followed. "True Prosperity: Your Guide to a Cash-Based Lifestyle" by Ken Knouse is a guide that everyone facing a debt-ridden life can use to get out and stay out of debt. "Divorce Strategy: Tactics for a Civil Financial Divorce" by Laura Johnson. Here is a bit of what others who have read the book have to say: "A wonderful and empowering book for divorcing couples" Mary K. Carey, Divorce Support Group Leader, Jackson, Michigan. "A great book that I will recommend to my divorce clients." Robert Feder, Family Law Attorney, Philadelphia, PA the website is http://www.bookzone.com/feature/divorce.html Bill Ferguson is an author who has written several good books about relationships and divorce. His website is at http://www.billferguson.com I like "rebuilding…" by bruce fisher. – ken Once you’re over the divorce and ready to re-enter the dating world but afraid, try: "Guerrilla Dating Tactics" by Sharyn Wolf — or: "Conversationally Speaking" by Alan Garner. Very practically-written. Web Pages and Listeservs: http://www.netacc.net/~kenfose/asd.htm Page of people who have been on alt.divorce http://members.aol.com/soulltrs/index.html a project to collect people’s stories, for healing. http://www.nolawyer.com/nolawyer/visnfors.html Visitation Enforcement Software http://www.nolawyer.com/nolawyer/1983.html Federal Civil Rights Lawsuits http://www.nolawyer.com/nolawyer/nappl.html Free Form: Notice of Appeal http://com.primenet.com/ncfc/prepcust.txt FIRST AID KIT For Fathers Preparing for Custody Trial http://com.primenet.com/ncfc/childspt.html FIRST AID KIT For Fathers re: Support http://com.primenet.com/ncfc/falsackt.html FIRST AID KIT For Falsely Accused Fathers http://com.primenet.com/nolawyer/nappl.html FIRST AID KIT For Appealing from Unsatisfactory New Decree/Judgment http://com.primenet.com/ncfc/whenthe.html FIRST AID KIT: If Custodial Mother Dies, but Relatives Fight Dad for Custody Individual Dads get hurt every day in divorce/custody/support litigation. While others attack each other, NCFC FIRST AID KITS and other NCFC resources can help stop the bleeding. MAIN WEB PAGE: http://www.dadnkids.com/ncfc 1-800-SEE-DADS National Congress for Fathers and Children http://www.kids-support.com, for tons of information on child support that may help. http://www.vix.com/free –The Fathers’ Rights & Equality Exchange (F.R.E.E.[tm]) is a not- for-profit organization dedicated to the premise that parenting is a 50/50 proposition. As such, both fathers and mothers should share equally in the parenting and support of their children. http://webhost.telisphere.com/lpeters/ Domestic Violence Resources for men and women — Leigh-Ann Peters, Hiding in the Closet, no more! Newsgroup: alt.support.domestic-violence The best internet sites for general divorce information and resource listings are: DivorceSource.com, divorcesupport.com and Legal.Net (divorce.net) listservs: There are many others lists to join as well. They ask you to register with them, in order to get on the lists. All free. Advice From Those Who Have Been There. The single most important thing I did to help myself was relive and write an analysis of my relationship with my husband from start to finish. It is currently 21 type written pages and I went over everything – why I was drawn to him, what my life was like before, during and after our relationship, the hardships, the joy, our wedding, etc. In the process of doing this I learned an unbelievable amount about our relationship. it has given me a perspective of this experience that enables me to begin to move on. — Christine I did find it very helpful to write about what I was going through and my thoughts and feelings during the most difficult times during the divorce. Kind of like a journal. I also wrote many letters to my wife (now ex-wife), but never sent them. It was just a way to express the way I felt about her and what was happening. Some were angry letters and some talked about the pain. I always felt a little better after doing that and could continue on with the other things I needed to get done at work and home. Good luck, it takes awhile to heal, but you will survive. – john Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s four stages of dealing with grief…the first one is shock (‘oh no I can’t believe this is happening to me’)…second is anger (which we all know plenty about 
, third is depression, and fourth is finally acceptance. I think I just recently started to come out of being depressed a little bit, and the funny thing was, I didn’t even realize I had been depressed until it started going away a little. Experts say that the longer you were together, or the harder of a blow this was, the longer it takes to get over. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. — jean Even if you’re not heartbroken, it is still many times a great loss. Most of the familiar stuff is gone…different routine, sometimes different home, partner is gone…..being out of our normal routine plus feelings of "failure" can really throw us out of synch. The book that I read that really helped was an old diary of mine from when I was first married. I forgot I even had it. I read about problems that had been in the marraige from the beginning, and it really helped me to see that it (whatever the problem was) was there from the beginning, and wasn’t something that *I* necessarily did wrong all by myself. — Lauri YOu feel so awful because divorce is the same as a death. It’s the end of something that you thought would last forever. The stages of grief in a divorce are the same as in death. There are many layers to this – we have to take them one at a time. When my first husband left, I had not felt love toward him for a few years. He was emotionally abusive and
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Response:
Failure and guilt sound pretty normal to me. The reality of divorce is that it is a big deal so overwhelming feelings are appropriate. Let the guy have his feelings, he has to work through them, not you. The best thing you could do for your friend would be just be around, because while going through a divorce he will need someone to talk to. As the years go by I realized that my breakup was more of a 50/50 deal. My ex wife was just good at doing things I did not realize until years later. After my divorce I found I had more quality time with my son. I visit with him 3 days a week (written in the divorce papers), when the ex does not stand in the way. The time is concentrated on him, not house or yard work. My only advice would be not to sign any divorce agreement until he is satisfied with the visitation times set up. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I’m new to the newsgroup and would appreciate advice. A dear male friend of mine is in the beginning stages of ending a 19-yr. marriage. It is a mutual decision on both their parts. He is having a tremendously difficult time with feelings of failure and guilt. He has repeatedly mentioned that if the divorce was strictly between him and his soon-to-be-ex, he believes he would not be feeling this way. However, there is an 8-year old daughter involved whom he loves dearly. This is where the strong emotions are taking their toll. Can anyone PLEASE give me suggestions on what I can do to help him over these overwhelming feelings of guilt and failure? I have never gone through divorce, and want to be a good support structure for him. He is one who does not accept help (feeling it is weakness on his part if he does so), so I must be somewhat cautious in my approach.
Response:
Just a note on books. I have read 3 books that I feel are a must to read depending on the situation you are in. They are the following: 1. For Surviving Divorce "Crazy Time – Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life" by Abigail Trafford really hits home. I found it extremely helpful. 2. For defining a direction to get out of an ambivalent relationship "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. This book is very different and I suggest everyone read it. It really helps you focus on the reasons why you are in a relationship with someone, especially helps decide whether to stay or get out. 3. For those that want to start over with the same person or have a new relationship…"The 4 Gifts of Love" by Willard Harley. This book sets up parameters that help you avoid some of the traps we run into nowadays in this complicated society, and states the principles that will keep couples together if they are followed. All 3 are excellent reading. No. 2 is one you will not put down because it has a totally different perspective than any self-help books I have ever seen.
Response:
Most people go through stages of shame and guilt in the break up of a marraige, particularly if it is a long term marriage. I don’t know if there is a way to avoid the natural grieving process. You can assist him in lessening its effects, but I don’t even think it is a good idea to try to eliminiate it all together. My own guilt phase is not completely over. On an intelletual level I know that I do not need to feel guilty, that I tried very hard to be a good husband and father. On an emotional level, I still get hit with random stabs to the heart over the loss of the marriage I took som much pride in, the fact that our family unit is fractured. the terrible anger that I face from my 17 year old son who has decided to make me the villian in this piece. Time is the great healer here. Time, activity and the empathy of friends who will do their best to allow him to feel the emotional pangs of this loss, while at the same time not allowing the feelings to overwhelm him. Personally, I also do not believe in medicating this process. We are human, we are supposed to feel pain from time to time. Maybe the thought processes we go through while grieving are there to help us or maybe their are there to make us better people than we were before. Over medication with anti depressants during this time maybe not, in the long run, be good for us. Just a thought.
Response:
I’m new to the newsgroup and would appreciate advice. A dear male friend of mine is in the beginning stages of ending a 19-yr. marriage. It is a mutual decision on both their parts. He is having a tremendously difficult time with feelings of failure and guilt. He has repeatedly mentioned that if the divorce was strictly between him and his soon-to-be-ex, he believes he would not be feeling this way. However, there is an 8-year old daughter involved whom he loves dearly. This is where the strong emotions are taking their toll. Can anyone PLEASE give me suggestions on what I can do to help him over these overwhelming feelings of guilt and failure? I have never gone through divorce, and want to be a good support structure for him. He is one who does not accept help (feeling it is weakness on his part if he does so), so I must be somewhat cautious in my approach. —
Response:
I’m new to the newsgroup and would appreciate advice. A dear male friend of mine is in the beginning stages of ending a 19-yr. marriage. It is a mutual decision on both their parts. He is having a tremendously difficult time with feelings of failure and guilt. He has repeatedly mentioned that if the divorce was strictly between him and his soon-to-be-ex, he believes he would not be feeling this way. However, there is an 8-year old daughter involved whom he loves dearly. This is where the strong emotions are taking their toll.
Similar situation for me. 16 years. Son about the same age. My solution is to live very close to the mom (4 blocks) with no busy street crossings, so son can walk over to my place at any time. Also, daily E-mail (he has nis own account). Things like that. The other aspect is harder to explain. Wife and I were friends for some years before we married. We are trying to find our way back to that friendship (if he didn’t marry a friend, I don’t know what to say.). Can anyone PLEASE give me suggestions on what I can do to help him over these overwhelming feelings of guilt and failure?
Here are some recovery notes that I gathered somewhere (to the original author: sorry if I am stealing your work, but thanks. Saved my sanity.) 1. Many people stay too long in bad marriages. Many who have endured poor marriages experience surges of joy, along with the usual depression, anger and fear, when the divorce is done. 2. Initiating spouse may predominately experience guilt. The other shaken by rejection. Both depressed, angry, afraid. Pain all round. 3. Re-establish relationships with children. They will seek explanations. 4. Threats to perception of who you are: failure, self-esteem. 5. Accept the past, deal with it, get on with your life. Takes several months to years to come to terms with feelings. 6. You may question whether the time married was wasted, but you cannot obliterate the past. Make it part of your life. 7. Redirect emotional investments from maintaining relationship to maintaining self. 8. Resentment toward spouse gets you nowhere. 9. Learn to grow through the loneliness to aloneness. Become comfortable doing things by yourself. 10. Sometimes, it’s easy to love others, but not yourself. Then you become a half-person trying to fill a void. 11. Make friends, not lovers. 12. The thought of dating can be traumatizing. At the same time, you will feel wild passion and the feeling that every minor relationship is of huge importance. 13. At early stage, it is common to be totally uninterested in sex. Often followed by period of deep longing for contact. 14. Admit discomfort to new social contacts. 15. Enemies of divorce recovery are within us – guilt, self-doubt, perceived inaqequacy, fear of relationships. r
